Not Everything Comes in Fifty Shades

Most days you spend most of your time doing the usual things one does to keep a Household running smoothly. They may not be glamorous, they may not be earth shattering, they may not be kinky in any way but they are the essential things you do to keep the Head of the Household pleased. Other days there are the special little things one gets to do that are not the run of the mill but bring an extra dimension to your relationship with your Owner. Some want to ignore the mundane and focus entirely on those extra things, forgetting that we are people first and ordinary things are needed every day to keep the entire relationship functioning. The lifestyle and what we do is the icing on a deliciously kinky cake. Cake, however, is a sometimes food and you need to eat your veggies every day to stay healthy

Some want to look down on other people's relationship and their M/s or D/s as not being "twue" enough or "real" enough because they do things differently. It may come as a surprise to some in the community but not everyone is an extreme masochist or sadist. Not everyone is kept collared, chained and caged when not being loaned out for gang bangs. Not everyone is an exhibitionist wanting to show off in front of a crowd. None of it makes anyone more or less "twue" or "real" regardless of how they conduct their relationship or their attendance, or lack thereof, at public events and munches


There are some who will say, loudly, that if you are not playing at every local public event or filling your weekends with munches you are just a bedroom player and someone on whom to be looked down. That, if you are not shrilly and obviously showing you are part of the kink community every time you step outside the door, then you are not serious about the lifestyle and not part of the community. I strongly disagree with that position because some people have lives, lifestyles and families that are more important to them than what a group of acquaintances or strangers think. If you genuinely have the freedom, time and money for such a social life to make a worthwhile contribution back to the kink community then that it fantastic and more power to you because not everyone is able to do that constantly. Then again I know several who will attend the opening of a tissue box if they are told it is kink related because they think it gives them credibility in the community and "fet points". These individuals like to show off how active they are by posting up minutiae about every attendance and RSVPing to every event posted early and often. They add to threads that are about totally different subjects about how they cannot attend or do something because "attending X instead". They seem to think showing off how kinky they are in this manner in public is a brilliant cover for the fact away from their target audience they revert back to being completely vanilla. That in itself is no crime and is fine. It obviously makes them feel important to do that. My issue comes when they fire up others or join online lynch mobs to drive away people who disagree with them, or their methods, or if it discovered they are living a lie and are not the super-kinksters they claim and they threaten and harass those that have found out their dirty, vanilla secrets


Many of those same people are quite unsafe players because they are of the opinion they do not need to attend skillshares or workshops. If they do attend the occasional, carefully chosen workshop, if not run by close friends then held by those who will not call them out because money, they do so with a closed mind and learn nothing because they already know everything. There are many unsafe, seriously unskilled players out there who spend a few hours watching youtube videos then declare themselves to be experienced Masters, often going on to cause serious damage to people with whom they play. Then again some people think that kind of DIY BDSM is their cup of tea because it works for them and they feel safe. I should stress they feel safe within their situation because nothing overly bad has happened to date. This could be due to blind luck or because they are more suited to that particular individual's "skill set". One could compare it to the fact not everyone is capable of fully appreciating the delicate sensation of a single glass of vintage champagne once a year. Some just prefer to suck a goon off their Hills Hoist until they pass out every weekend

Many of the more recent and vocal arrivals to the community completely embrace the modern mantra of "you must attend everything and be seen on the scene or you will be a nobody and no one should play with you". They are often taught it by those who have only just found the community a short time prior. The mantra becomes like a security blanket encouraging the growth of the mob mentality of hunting down and outing perceived threats to the community. I am all for keeping the community safe for all but I have a problem when a vocal minority decide they are the gatekeepers and if you are not with them then you must be beaten into submission, so to speak. They see avoidance of the local public scene as "red flags" rather than a reluctance to be drawn into cliques vying to win fet-lebrity status


Keeping to yourself and those you know and declining to participate in ongoing "drama" because you feel no need for external validation of your kinkiness from a group of strangers is not always instant red flag territory. Those who speak of elitism and decry vetted guest lists and private events are likely not being invited to them because they are unknown to the hosts or known to be unsafe and more interested in showing up and showing off than actual substance and safety. It is a shame things have become like this because it is that attitude that drives away as many as it attracts. Yes, attending public events and munches is a great way to network these days in relative safety and meet likeminded people in the community but it is not the "one twue way". Some of the most committed and long standing members of our community maintain a more traditional, more low key way of living. They do not regularly play at public events, rarely go to munches, instead holding private events with a carefully selected guest list or inviting a few friends for lunch at the pub. They are experienced people well versed in ways to play consensually and hard. They have no need to be seen or heard by everyone   

We, personally, prefer to adhere to the 1950's ethos of  "behind closed doors" for our play sessions by holding private parties, or working out subtle ways to express our dynamic in public without it infringing on the general public. I wear my collar 24/7 and no one around us instantly knows that it is anything but a pretty anklet I always wear. It has deep meaning to us because of how it was made but we have no need for everyone to understand why I constantly wear it or what it truly means. We have our symbols and rituals that remind us who we are within our relationship dynamic and have meaning specific to us and us alone. We prefer it that way. He can exercise his Ownership over me in public effortlessly, effectively and yet so subtly that people merely see a doting wife anxious to please her husband; see a gentleman treating his girl firmly but kindly and conducting himself with old school manners


To others looking in from the outside at our 1950s dynamic it may seem rather bland and not overtly kink related when we are outside our house but that is the whole point of the dynamic. Rarely, if ever, was anyone of that era out about being in the lifestyle. It could get you arrested in most countries, or worse. It was the time of brown paper wrappers for gentlemen's literature; raids and arrests for businesses suspected or found to be selling kink themed items from under the counter. The only thing vaguely kinky in mainstream movies for the majority of first half of the twentieth century was the female (lead) being bent over a (leading) man's knee for corrective spanking and even that was seen as normal behaviour, not kinky in the least. How times have changed