Not Everything Comes in Fifty Shades

Most days you spend most of your time doing the usual things one does to keep a Household running smoothly. They may not be glamorous, they may not be earth shattering, they may not be kinky in any way but they are the essential things you do to keep the Head of the Household pleased. Other days there are the special little things one gets to do that are not the run of the mill but bring an extra dimension to your relationship with your Owner. Some want to ignore the mundane and focus entirely on those extra things, forgetting that we are people first and ordinary things are needed every day to keep the entire relationship functioning. The lifestyle and what we do is the icing on a deliciously kinky cake. Cake, however, is a sometimes food and you need to eat your veggies every day to stay healthy

Some want to look down on other people's relationship and their M/s or D/s as not being "twue" enough or "real" enough because they do things differently. It may come as a surprise to some in the community but not everyone is an extreme masochist or sadist. Not everyone is kept collared, chained and caged when not being loaned out for gang bangs. Not everyone is an exhibitionist wanting to show off in front of a crowd. None of it makes anyone more or less "twue" or "real" regardless of how they conduct their relationship or their attendance, or lack thereof, at public events and munches


There are some who will say, loudly, that if you are not playing at every local public event or filling your weekends with munches you are just a bedroom player and someone on whom to be looked down. That, if you are not shrilly and obviously showing you are part of the kink community every time you step outside the door, then you are not serious about the lifestyle and not part of the community. I strongly disagree with that position because some people have lives, lifestyles and families that are more important to them than what a group of acquaintances or strangers think. If you genuinely have the freedom, time and money for such a social life to make a worthwhile contribution back to the kink community then that it fantastic and more power to you because not everyone is able to do that constantly. Then again I know several who will attend the opening of a tissue box if they are told it is kink related because they think it gives them credibility in the community and "fet points". These individuals like to show off how active they are by posting up minutiae about every attendance and RSVPing to every event posted early and often. They add to threads that are about totally different subjects about how they cannot attend or do something because "attending X instead". They seem to think showing off how kinky they are in this manner in public is a brilliant cover for the fact away from their target audience they revert back to being completely vanilla. That in itself is no crime and is fine. It obviously makes them feel important to do that. My issue comes when they fire up others or join online lynch mobs to drive away people who disagree with them, or their methods, or if it discovered they are living a lie and are not the super-kinksters they claim and they threaten and harass those that have found out their dirty, vanilla secrets


Many of those same people are quite unsafe players because they are of the opinion they do not need to attend skillshares or workshops. If they do attend the occasional, carefully chosen workshop, if not run by close friends then held by those who will not call them out because money, they do so with a closed mind and learn nothing because they already know everything. There are many unsafe, seriously unskilled players out there who spend a few hours watching youtube videos then declare themselves to be experienced Masters, often going on to cause serious damage to people with whom they play. Then again some people think that kind of DIY BDSM is their cup of tea because it works for them and they feel safe. I should stress they feel safe within their situation because nothing overly bad has happened to date. This could be due to blind luck or because they are more suited to that particular individual's "skill set". One could compare it to the fact not everyone is capable of fully appreciating the delicate sensation of a single glass of vintage champagne once a year. Some just prefer to suck a goon off their Hills Hoist until they pass out every weekend

Many of the more recent and vocal arrivals to the community completely embrace the modern mantra of "you must attend everything and be seen on the scene or you will be a nobody and no one should play with you". They are often taught it by those who have only just found the community a short time prior. The mantra becomes like a security blanket encouraging the growth of the mob mentality of hunting down and outing perceived threats to the community. I am all for keeping the community safe for all but I have a problem when a vocal minority decide they are the gatekeepers and if you are not with them then you must be beaten into submission, so to speak. They see avoidance of the local public scene as "red flags" rather than a reluctance to be drawn into cliques vying to win fet-lebrity status


Keeping to yourself and those you know and declining to participate in ongoing "drama" because you feel no need for external validation of your kinkiness from a group of strangers is not always instant red flag territory. Those who speak of elitism and decry vetted guest lists and private events are likely not being invited to them because they are unknown to the hosts or known to be unsafe and more interested in showing up and showing off than actual substance and safety. It is a shame things have become like this because it is that attitude that drives away as many as it attracts. Yes, attending public events and munches is a great way to network these days in relative safety and meet likeminded people in the community but it is not the "one twue way". Some of the most committed and long standing members of our community maintain a more traditional, more low key way of living. They do not regularly play at public events, rarely go to munches, instead holding private events with a carefully selected guest list or inviting a few friends for lunch at the pub. They are experienced people well versed in ways to play consensually and hard. They have no need to be seen or heard by everyone   

We, personally, prefer to adhere to the 1950's ethos of  "behind closed doors" for our play sessions by holding private parties, or working out subtle ways to express our dynamic in public without it infringing on the general public. I wear my collar 24/7 and no one around us instantly knows that it is anything but a pretty anklet I always wear. It has deep meaning to us because of how it was made but we have no need for everyone to understand why I constantly wear it or what it truly means. We have our symbols and rituals that remind us who we are within our relationship dynamic and have meaning specific to us and us alone. We prefer it that way. He can exercise his Ownership over me in public effortlessly, effectively and yet so subtly that people merely see a doting wife anxious to please her husband; see a gentleman treating his girl firmly but kindly and conducting himself with old school manners


To others looking in from the outside at our 1950s dynamic it may seem rather bland and not overtly kink related when we are outside our house but that is the whole point of the dynamic. Rarely, if ever, was anyone of that era out about being in the lifestyle. It could get you arrested in most countries, or worse. It was the time of brown paper wrappers for gentlemen's literature; raids and arrests for businesses suspected or found to be selling kink themed items from under the counter. The only thing vaguely kinky in mainstream movies for the majority of first half of the twentieth century was the female (lead) being bent over a (leading) man's knee for corrective spanking and even that was seen as normal behaviour, not kinky in the least. How times have changed

Needlepoint of View

The main "thing I do" at events and workshops is needle art. I do not do this as a sadistic endeavour but as a connected space between the other person and myself during the session. I service Top on request. This means I do not command that someone be my canvas for my own pleasure but that the person or their D type wants to utilise my skills for their pleasure


I love working on a willing canvas, be they an experienced needle bottom or newly curious kinkster dipping a toe into needle play, whom wants to have a design etched into them by my hands but with active input into the artwork. My joy in the art form comes from the inherent beauty of the encounter and its effect on the individual. I know how warm, inviting and blissful needle art can be when done on me and I love to have others potentially experience that type of euphoria for themselves

When I do my art on canvas I aim to cause the minimum of pain during the session and the minimum of lasting marks afterwards. This, obviously, does not sit well with everyone, particularly heavy masochists as they tend to not want pain-free art, they tend to want maximum pain and visuals to show for the session. Some have said to me they want the session needles sliding into their skin to be a sharp, stabbing intrusion into their flesh with a continued reminder it is there with the throb of the needle, not a minimal ouch or painless experience. They have asked for the hubs to be flicked whilst the needles are still under their skin or the tips dragged back and forth in place when being inserted to cause the blood to run as much as possible throughout the session, not a dreamy, peaceful, meditation in flesh and surgical steel

Those individuals looking for an intense pain session, rather than what is on offer, I sometimes direct elsewhere if I feel I cannot give them the experience they want. I simply do not like to cause others a great deal of pain when dealing with needles. Similarly, I prefer to keep any blood flow for after the art is completed so that the canvas can enjoy the visceral aspects after the aesthetic ones. The addition of pretty things like beads, ribbons and flowers do not lend themselves to pools of blood 


I may be alone in preferring to keep body fluids to the absolute minimum during the session so as not to mark up the pretty things I add to the needles. I am fine with that and most accepting that my more gentle, artistic style of needlepoint is not everyone's cup of tea in kink. I find it is relatively easy to stab into someone less diligently, causing excessive pain to the person, bringing them to the point they say "enough, no more" after only a few needles. However, I prefer the more challenging aspects of being able to work on my canvas with hundreds of needles over a long period of time where they are able to enjoy the sensations and it is relatively pain free for them

Taking needles of varying gauges and arranging them in intricate, or not so intricate, patterns on the skin of another living person is something I enjoy tremendously. It is relaxing for me. I like it to be relaxing for the canvas. There is a structure and ritual around this particular type of play that requires a certain level of commitment and concentration to achieve the needle art that has been requested. I am eternally grateful to the many wonderful people whom have come to me and requested I turn them into art because they have seen my work. Without a canvas on which to work there is nothing

Collared by The Cowboy

I am often asked what is it like living in 24/7 "domestic servitude" as property by younger submissive identifying females new to the scene usually embarking on their first D/s relationship with a much older male. That is not a critique of them or their situation, by the way. I do not feel that I live in domestic servitude but to use another cliché I feel it is domestic bliss because I have never been happier or more content in my life as I am currently

Those that do ask questions are typically curious about how often I am flogged, whipped and caned. How long do I spend on my knees, in "the positions" or on door greeting fellatio? How much corner time, naked time or stress position time am I given to complete by "Master" each day? If I have a cage, sleep on the floor at night, or a bowl from which to eat and a million other things. I am not the only person that gets asked these type of questions and I can totally understand them asking myself and other submissives in established relationships what happens day to day when they are just finding their feet in the community or their relationship 


This is a good thing I feel because how else does one learn about others experiences, what actually happens in the kink community and also what is ok and not ok behaviours but to ask "hey does this happen to you?" questions. No question is silly because no-one knows everything and sharing knowledge is powerful for everyone. It keeps us all safe, helps new and established members learn what is going on around them and to meet new friends and establish and maintain networks. I must say before anyone says "what about the male subs" that I am rarely asked about my relationship intricacies by submissive identifying males. This is possibly because once they find out I am not the droid for which they are looking and I have a male Owner they suddenly lose interest in chatting in depth. I find that a shame because I am always interested in learning about different relationship dynamics within the kink community

Most service submissives lives are no different to anyone else's. We cook, clean the house, do the dishes, the laundry, go to work or work from home, work round the farm and do whatever else is needed to keep things running smoothly. The subtle differences of our lifestyle become a little more apparent with the addition of task direction and control from an O/p Head of House dynamic. That is when I feel the differences between vanilla and kink households diverge to a greater degree, even if both are male led 


The majority of my vanilla friends in their relationships have at points in time asked me questions about our relationship and some have got stuck over the Owner/property and power-control dynamics. They are confused by my giving up complete control to my Owner and have great difficulty getting their heads around the concept of someone saying "ok I trust You so much I will do what You say without question". The ones that do not have as big a problem with the concept invariably have a military background or came from that 1950s type household as children and so saw it in practise. However, I think we get to do much cooler stuff during down time than in a vanilla household. In a purely vanilla household one is unlikely to find on their calendar dates for a high protocol dinner, silent service high tea or a play party in their personal dungeon and they are really unlikely to be participating in outdoor bondage or rope suspensions even if they do have a big enough property

I think I disappoint many of these young female subs/slaves when I tell them that my Owner is not interested in treating me like I am something to torture or treat badly. I have an acquired, permanent disability that makes many of the typical harsh physical requirements others demand of their girls virtually impossible for me to sustain for long periods and my Owner does not like me to suffer like that as He is not cruel, vindictive or sadistic. They seem quite nonplussed He is not the type of distant, cold, stern uber-dominant they have often read about and that He is nothing like many of those dominants in the erotica on fetlife's K&P or the Gor novels or even Christian Grey. He is a Gentleman Dominant of the old school type. He walks softly but carries that big stick majestically. So most times the day to day life of this lil' girl is... not much different to anyone else living in a loving male led relationship from the 1950s... but with internet

This is also not an unequal relationship emotionally. I do not sit and hope for scraps of affection from a cold and unloving, emotionally abusive, physically absent person whilst they spoon out a modicum of affection randomly upon me and withdraw it on a whim to lavish their attention and presence elsewhere on others. My Owner supports me in my endeavours completely and is loving and caring and I Him. I support Him in His leadership of us and in whatever way is needed for the smooth running of our Household. I cannot imagine not doing that quite frankly. To not obey Him unquestioningly, to not have ultimate trust in Him and His decisions for us and to not have handed over control of my life to Him, to me, would be unthinkable and not normal because He has earned all that through being more than trustworthy, more than supportive, more than worth that loyalty and devotion 


He is in ultimate control of where we are heading, what happens day to day and long term. He decides where we go, what we attend or not attend, how I dress, on what we focus and what we do. He has me keep the calendar and make the appointments and, like any good leader, He delegates tasks to me and expects them done and they get done. He does not shout or carry on at me. A disapproving tone or raised eyebrow is enough to send me running to fix an error and likewise a quiet "please pass me the..." or a "I think we need" has me scurrying to complete the task in question. His polite, civilised manner often makes others think that I must get away with murder and do what I like and that He is not a big "Domly Dom" but my Owner has nothing to prove in this world on that measure. He has proved his masculine credentials in other facets of His life and does not feel the need to sledgehammer an egg at home

Good Things Come to Those who Wait

“Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.” 

― Oscar Wilde

Sage advice from Mr Wilde and something I wish I had seen a few years back and taken heed

I looked back on my post from two years back recently about sex and had a giggle to myself because my opinion of many hours long or leisurely extended sessions of lovemaking - note I stress lovemaking not just being used as a fleshlight that breathes - has changed substantially. Then again so has my life since then. I now have a wonderful partner and Owner who cares deeply about me and if I am happy. This developed over a long time beginning life as friends

Things are so totally different for me now I often pinch myself to check am I dreaming. I finally also enjoy sexual intimacy. Really enjoy it. It is no longer painful or distressing. I do not have to give a fake performance to assuage an ego. In fact that kind of thing is actively discouraged as it is counterproductive, therefore, our sex life is not only pleasurable but genuine and connected. It makes a lovely change. On top of that I have discovered that I do indeed have the ability to squirt, something that I thought I could not do. I had been previously told that because I could not squirt I, therefore, was a deficient and unworthy person as a female partner compared to other people because they could with ease. All it took, it seems, was some expert care and attention and lo and behold yes indeed I can do it and frequently

I still hold the same views about please do not touch me especially in a sexualised manner when I say no thank you. I think that is a reasonable stance for anyone to have in this life. I am not interested in anyone else but my Owner in that way. We have no interest in combining sex based acts and kink publicly at events. That stance to many in the kink lifestyle gets us branded as prudes which my Owner finds hilarious considering what we do at other private events or privately. We see no reason why kink and sex have to be linked intrinsically, certainly not in public. We 24/7 our kink in our own way. We would never presume to tell others how they should live their dynamic so we would appreciate the same courtesy. Like most people our sex life is generally not something we would conduct in the supermarket checkout line. Our D/s dynamic, however, we are fortunate and can "do" anywhere and no one bats an eyelid. The beauty of a 1950's lifestyle with a male Head of Household

I feel incredibly lucky that I now have a supportive and loving partner and Owner and we are on the same page with our life goals, lifestyle, interests and moral and ethical values. There is no leaving the other person to cope alone and that makes such a difference. We work as a team and that makes every job take half the time. Working together means you get everything done smoothly, efficiently and then there is more time for fun because jobs are done and no one person is exhausted from being worked to the bone. This is where a service Dom and a service sub can be a well oiled machine that functions without needing to talk a lot of the time. It's a Jedi thing

What I Love in Kink Play when I Service Top

I love to play with pretty, sharp, shiny things. Nothing says hot to me as the feel and look of needle art on a beautiful canvas. The combination of the hard steel sliding in to their skin and look of joy on their face from the spreading, growing heat through their body from the penetration causing nerves to fire relentlessly in pleasure visualised as intricate artwork within the skin followed by the blood trails as the needles are removed

The splatter trails of wax on the skin like a volcanic spurt of desire. A bukakke of colours across them as they wriggle in delight 

The intimate stinging caress of bare hands on the bared body; a shared intimacy like a kiss. My hands reddening and warming their skin

The delicate fiery burn of the violet wand on moistened flesh held just far enough away to send the nerve endings into overdrive past pleasure into an over-pleasured swollen throbbing state

Building the closeness between your hands and their body as subspace relaxation becomes a sensually sadistic pleasure-pain release of endorphins when they realise that the massage is not what they originally thought

A connection most of all